1. Phil Mitchell
2. Sharon Mitchell
Child neglect, self-tanner abuse.
3. Denny Rickman
Demon child, visage does not appear on surveillance tape; could be getting up to all sorts.
4. Ben Mitchell
Murder, robbery, assault, stupidity (but no need to imprison; already locked in closet, so it’s a moot point.)
5. Ian Beale
6. Kat Moon
Theft, assault, public drunkenness, vandalism, general crimes against fashion.
7. Alfie Moon
Arson, insurance fraud, Peter Pan impersonator.
8. Dean Wicks
9. Shirley Carter
Littering (she tosses those butts everywhere), wearing same boots for years on end.
10. Lee Carter
11. Kim Fox-Hubbard
Crimes against both fashion and pronunciation.
12. Billy Mitchell
Theft, arson, squatting, accessory to various crimes, fencing stolen fish.
13. Bobby Beale
Menacing, serial murder (first victim, his mum Laura who tripped over his strategically placed toy. Accident? I think not!) Once he realises he doesn’t have to go upstairs on demand, watch out.
14. Jane Beale
Accessory to murder (possibly a murderer herself), witness tampering, keeps marrying same plonker (coulda had Grant, chose Ian, psych evaluation recommended).
15. Abi Branning
Canine-icide, evidence tampering, (do we know what really happened to Madge?)
16. Max Branning
Insurance fraud, extortion, (is it a crime to think you are too sexy for your shirt? It should be!)
17. Charlie Cotton
Impersonating a police officer, theft, fraud, tampering with dead body, breaking his grandma’s heart.
18. Sonia Fowler
19. Denise Fox
20. Masood Ahmed
21. Mick Carter
Speaking without subtitles.
22. Les Coker
Fraud, tampering with dead body, extortion, might be vampire. Good dancer though.
23. Ronnie Mitchell
Murder, kidnapping, extortion, ordering a hit.
24. Vincent Hubbard
25. Mr. Oppodopopopodop
26. Kush Kazemi
Public nudity, sexual molestation of produce.
27/28. D.I. Marsden & D.I. Keeble
Gross inability to shoot fish in a barrel. Meow.
29. Tracey T. Barmaid
Possible serial killer. The evidence? In the last 30 years, a high percentage of Queen Vic landlords have been murdered and what did they all have in common? They all employed Tracey. It’s always the quiet ones!
30. Kathy Beale
Insurance fraud, child abandonment, crimes against acrylic sheep, selling soul (DI Marsden should search that Notting Hill house for the painting that’s ageing in her place!)